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Daniel Hensley - Freshman
4/13/05, 8:28 p.m.
Coming Out in Church
Homosexuality, Religion…Wow! Two words seldom heard in the same sentence. Or is this still the past's view on this topic?
Churches have swarmed to condemn, and homosexuals are protesting for rights. Forums are taking place in homes, churches, and even right here at Mars Hill College.
The real question should be, "what happens to the individual?" Homosexuals who try to come to terms with themselves - or "come out" - are normally devastated when it comes time to tell their church or group. The main focus is on facts, but in reality we should all look at the specific individual who is affected by the uproar.
Ten of the best years of my life were spent in Riverside Baptist Church. I can still remember the first day I walked in the door. I was eight years old, tagging along with my aunt and uncle.
I remember the love I felt when I stepped through the rock building's heavy wooden door. The cold of the stones and the cool wind blowing our scarves around our necks was instantaneously covered by the warmth of the community bustling around inside with open arms and smiles.
Amanda Pressley, a girl three years older than me, was the first person to speak to me with an open invitation to her Sunday school class. From there I remember the tremendous spiritual growth. Pastor Chuck Sanders filled up my weekends by enlisting me to go on these trips to hand out brochures where we had some of the greatest talks. His wife, Share, gave me a few piano lessons before they moved away.
I remember Associate Pastor John Honeycutt becoming Pastor. The church went from maybe twenty members to about, a year and a half later, a full church. The growth never harmed our community and spirituality. Through the years the church went through many changes, and so did I. I made some of the greatest friends of my life, and became closer to my own family.
I started to really get involved in all of the church activities. I started performing in all musicals, plays, and playing drum set for the band. Then I led the music department and the children's ministry programs. Christmas and Easter programs became beautiful music celebrations, and every Sunday choirs rejoiced. Children spent time learning about the seven seas on board a ship that left port every Sunday morning. The youth ministries made an old room into a glow-in-the-dark hang out. The church felt stronger than ever to me.
Then one day, I received a phone call, it was the Pastor. He sounded very troubled, and he asked me if the rumors were true. My first thought was wondering about rumors. Then the next words that came from his mouth scared me to death. He asked if I was "GAY?"
My mind filled with questions of how could he know? Did I do something? Who knew? I had never told anyone. I had just recently accepted it myself. I could not handle the looks that I got when I walked into the door. For the first time I could feel the cold wind through the cracks of the rocks.
It was hard to not be there on a regular basis. I had spent so much time finally coming to terms with myself about my sexuality, and now I was already out of church. I still to this day do not feel the same when I walk into those doors because all I can hear is that question and feel the stares coming from all the members. How could I keep my fellowship with the church after I was "outed"?
The best thing for the individual to remember is; "You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I rise."-Maya Angelou.
Individuals almost always get looked over in a coming out situation. Everyone sees the stereotypical image when they hear the word "gay." In reality what do you do when someone you love says, "I am gay"?
Christian church families have to face that their gay members have started to come forward or "come out." Bishop Paul Wennes Egertson faced this when one of his six sons came out as a homosexual. This is very common now, and how should a family deal with this?
Egertson looked at the seven stages of development that people go through. (outlined as follows by Walter Wink in his book, Homosexuality and Christian Faith: Questions of Conscience for the Churches):
- Day One: Deny It. Most do not really know much about homosexuality. Most only know of it and its stereotype and think that it is just a phase.
- Day Two: Explain It. When you stop denial, it becomes a quest to find why he or she is a homosexual. It must have been the parents' fault, or an outside influence. How did this person really become gay? Then they see that no one really knows what "causes" homosexuality.
- Day Three: Fix It. Here it is time for divine intervention and/or psychological therapy. Most think that the individual should know better from their up-bringing. But then we see that homosexuality has never been "fixed" by divine intervention, nor is it a "disease" to professionals. Then you have to really look at the socially-imposed shame and the personal pain that drives many homosexuals into depression.
- Day Four: Mourn It. Now you face death either way. You can choose the death of rejection and separation from your child, or suffer the death of your own misunderstandings, ignorance, and attitudes. It is here where the focus becomes more on the parents or group, and you have to remember the individual.
- Day Five: Accept It. Here the Serenity Prayer helps:
"Lord, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed; the courage to change what can be changed; and the wisdom to know the difference." -St. Francis of Assisi
In reality, the big problem in homosexuality is not being gay, but how heterosexuals react to it.
- Day Six: Celebrate It. This is a hard step to get to. You have four options: say that homosexuality is a rebellion against the laws of God and nature; it is an illness like an addiction; a tragedy in nature like infertility; or that it is a variety in nature that it is like being left-handed. We should all take the side of helping hurting people rather than hurting helpless people.
- Finally Day Seven: Rest. Remember that a homosexual is still a normal person treat them the same, and take a rest.
Now I can still see these people that I made such a spiritual and community connection with for so long, but it still feels like I should not be there. It is like everything has grown cold for me around them and in this church. It seemed that these people did not get past day one in Bishop Egertson's outline of development. I hoped for more because of my background with the church, but no such luck for me.
There are great organizations that help aid in the support of making homosexuality and Christianity fit perfectly in the same sentence. Ten years ago, after the "gay" community had been dealt yet another blow by members of their denomination, a group of American Baptist pastors "decided that it was time to stand up and declare their affirmation of "gay" people. The network of churches that was founded, the Association of Welcoming & Affirming Baptists
According to their website, http://www.wabaptists.org, "AWAB members are Baptist churches, organizations, and individuals who have gone on record as being welcoming and affirming of all persons, without regard to sexual orientation."
The group explains on the website that "much abuse of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons has been fostered and encouraged by the rhetoric of the church, leaving many people feeling that they must choose between their faith and their sexuality. AWAB members have joined together to advocate for inclusion of "gay" persons within Baptist communities of faith…
"…AWAB has developed a strong presence in American Baptist circles, sponsoring workshops and discussions, distributing rainbow ribbons, challenging church leaders, and proclaiming in many other ways that "gay" people are in the pulpits and pews of Baptist churches."
I have not lost the spirituality that I had spent so much time developing. This is my intent in this essay. I plead to churches, organizations, and to the world, please go through all seven days, look at the past, and let's all learn from it. We all are trying to accomplish the same goals in life. Stop putting a name and category on people, and then maybe we can become a real society. Embrace the different; learn that different is usually the same.
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