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Date Rape: It Happens Here, Too
by Chelsea Haines
Photos by Kristalyn Bunyan from the "Clothesline Project" against domestic violence.
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Christy met a guy at a party and talked to him most of the night. He asked her to come with him upstairs to get something for a friend. After she followed him into the room, he turned around and locked the door behind her. He pushed her on to the bed and began kissing her roughly. She said no and tried to push him off, but he wouldn't stop.
Eve walked home with a friend after a party and suddenly felt exhausted. "I only had one drink, but I was so tired. I felt like I couldn't move at all. I couldn't get up, and everything was cloudy. I kept saying "No." I must have blacked out, because the next thing I remember he was on top of me. I kept saying no, but I couldn't fight back. I don't remember anything after that."
Eve and Christy, Mars Hill College students, shared their stories of sexual assault and date rape on condition that their real names not be used.
Although Mars Hill College is a "dry" campus, is located in a "dry" county, and is affiliated with the North Carolina Baptist Convention, its students deal with the same issues faced by other college students.
Sexual assault and date rape have been a focus this fall of classroom discussions and the annual Clothesline Project, where students decorate T-shirts expressing their feelings about violence against women. Outdoors Director Grant Gosch is organizing a club, Men Against Violence against Women, and the annual mock rape trial is scheduled for spring.
Some freshmen have arrived at Mars Hill having experienced sexual assault or date rape before they came. When Kady was fifteen she loved to go out and party. One night she went to a party where she didn't know many people. "I got really really drunk, really quick. I passed out. And that night I woke up to a guy having sex with me. And I said "No!" and fought, and finally he got off of me. And I think in his mind he thought somehow it was okay, but it wasn't . . . for four years I didn't tell anybody."
In an August survey of incoming freshmen, 17 percent of women and 11 percent of men reported having been "involved in violence in a dating situation." But many of the incidents have happened quite recently in Mars Hill, some of them right on campus.
A Student Reads the "Men's Pledge"
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"We came from a small town and didn't know these things really happened here. It's a small town too. I thought people had more respect for girls," said Sarah, a freshman.
Counseling Director Jane Carter and Campus Minister Daniel Terry facilitated several classroom discussions, providing ethical and legal guidelines for students as they talked about their experiences.
Some students remarked they had seen women at parties hanging all over their dates. "They were asking for it," said one.
But Carter said that's never an excuse for rape or sexual assault, especially if alcohol is involved. Many students, said Carter, don't understand what date rape is. "In the state of North Carolina, if there is an alleged date rape, the accused cannot defend him/herself by saying "we were drunk". By law a person who is intoxicated cannot legally give consent. It's an assumed no.
"The only punishment a person should get for drinking too much is a bad hangover. No one deserves to be raped." - Jane Carter
According to The Rape Treatment Center at Santa Monica-UCLA Medical Center, "Feelings of guilt and shame are common reactions following a sexual assault. Because of misconceptions about rape, some victims blame themselves, doubt their own judgment, or wonder if they were in some way responsible for the assault.
Kady said she blamed herself for years. "I'm the one who got drunk. I shouldn't have done that. It was one hundred percent blaming myself." Then someone shared a similar experience and said it wasn't her fault. "I one hundred percent shifted the blame: that it was this guy's fault." Now she thinks it was partly "a lack of education on his part. I took back some of the blame."
Eve still blames herself for not being smarter, "but I also blame him. He knew me well enough to know I wouldn't have wanted to have sex with him. Because I'll never have the confidence to confront him, I'll never really know what happened. This isn't something I can talk about because I see him around campus almost every day. I've heard about date rape and date rape drugs, but who thinks about them when you think you're surrounded by friends?"
Many victims feel that their attackers have serious emotional problems. Tammy, now a freshman, was raped in high school. She said, as much as she wanted to hate him, she wanted him to get help. She felt afterward that he needed more help than she did. Many rapists re-offend if not reported or prosecuted, said Carter.
Mixed emotions often keep survivors from reporting their attackers or even blaming them. Many are afraid of how others will react or that nothing will happen even if they do report the incident. Many also find it difficult to tell the story again, to relive the experience.
A friend from another college visited Sarah, and they went to a party hosted by a group of students. "Our driver left to take others home, and people started to leave before she got back. My friend was pretty drunk, and I didn't want her walking back.
"Some guys we had met at school offered to give us a ride home with them and a place to sleep on their couch. They were really nice, and since we knew them, we trusted them. Later that night, my friend woke up and saw one of them standing over her with a condom on, trying to convince her to have sex with him. She said no, and he got mad . . . Even though nothing happened [physically], she still felt violated. She blamed herself because she had been talking to him at the party."
Sarah didn't know how to comfort her friend. "I was mad, but I just cried with her and asked her if she wanted to tell anyone."
Sarah responded well to her friend, says Carter. "When you first tell someone else what happened, how they respond has a huge effect on how you cope with it and on whether or not you tell others. It's very important not to blame, to believe the person, and to remind them that it's not their fault," said Carter.
How can you help a friend who has survived an attack?
Carter and Terry said you can be a great help to a survivor by simply listening, without judging him or her. Rob was furious when his girlfriend confided in him about being raped. "When she said I couldn't do anything but sit there and listen to her and be there for her, I felt heartbroken. I resented the fact that I could not do anything to find that wimp and bring him to justice, but it's what she needed me to do."
Telling someone, even a very close friend, is a big step for a person who has been sexually assaulted, and friends need to realize that. Eve shared how hard it was to convince her boyfriend that what she most needed was someone to just listen. "The night I told my boyfriend what had happened, he couldn't believe it. He was so angry that he wanted to go beat the guy up. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to go to the police. He wanted to protect me and bring him to justice, but I was so afraid that everyone on campus would find out. I feel awful for placing this burden on him, but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else. I know it is hard for him to walk past that guy and not confront him, but it's the best thing he has ever done for me," she said.
Carter says it is important to know what not to say if a friend confides in you.
- Don't ask if they were drinking; it only implies that you blame them, that they did something wrong. "The only punishment a person should get for drinking too much is a bad hangover. No one deserves to be raped," said Carter.
- Don't ask what they were wearing. No matter how sexy the dress, it isn't an excuse for rape, said Carter. "The only reason there is a rape is because there is a perpetrator in the room."
- Don't attempt to bring the perpetrator to justice yourself. The victim needs to decide if and when she or he is ready to pursue legal action.
The Rape Treatment Center's website says, "Feelings of guilt and self-blame may be reinforced by the reactions of others, who, because of prevalent myths about rape, may blame the victim or criticize his or her behavior."
Although some victims will try to deny the incident, others turn to drugs, alcohol, or unhealthy sexual behaviors. Carter said "Some people will abuse substances or become very promiscuous to deal with the emotional fallout of sexual assault. Some people turn to unhealthy behaviors to drown out the grief, fear, trauma, and loss of power that results from victimization."
The trauma of sexual assault can cause Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, the same disorder suffered by survivors of war. Rape is truly an act of violence, says Carter, adding that there's power and control in the act of trying to harm someone who is vulnerable.
Although Kady was drunk and vulnerable, her attacker was sober. "For months, even years, after I was raped I was still having horrible dreams about [him] hurting me, and I was still having horrible flashbacks of feeling so helpless," she said.
How can survivors cope?
Many survivors find comfort in expressing their feelings about what happened. "My recovery process took four years. For some it takes more, for some it takes less," said Kady. "This is how I feel better about it, by sharing my experience with others."
Eve also hopes to increase others' awareness of date rape drugs, alcohol, and how they are involved in date rapes. "There is a possibility I was drugged, but I never even considered it until more than six months later, when I learned more about date rape drugs. Had I known more, I wouldn't have felt like it was my fault all that time."
Sarah said her friend "went to a counselor at her school, and they talked through what happened. She seems to be doing all right now."
In addition to speaking with a counselor or joining a support group, there are other ways to express anger or emotions. Many websites are dedicated to posting the poetry of survivors who find it therapeutic to write down their feelings anonymously. Events such as the Clothesline Project allow survivors and friends of survivors to express themselves artistically. Many survivors also feel their stories and experiences can help them be sympathetic to others; they volunteer at domestic violence agencies to help others cope with sexual assault and to increase awareness.
Although acts of violence can't always be prevented, there are things you can do to stay a little safer. Sarah said that she now protects herself and her friends by being more careful. "I don't go to those kinds of parties anymore - ones where I don't know anyone too well. I go out with a close group of friends that I know and never stay anywhere I don't feel completely comfortable."
Going out with a close friend saved Christy from being raped. Locked in a room upstairs with the guy trying to pin her on the bed, she kept saying no and trying to push him off, but he wouldn't stop. Only when her friend found another way into the room and started screaming did he get off of her.
Along with always going out with a close friend and being aware of both of your surroundings, you can bring your own drink and keep it with you at all times. If you have agreed to be a sober driver, stay sober and make sure your group returns together. Above all trust your instincts. If a situation feels wrong, it probably is.
Friends can gently encourage survivors to speak with a counselor, if and when they are ready. Mars Hill College has a counseling office located on the third floor of Wren Student Union. The office is open from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm Monday through Friday. Jane Carter and Margaret Rada can be reached at 689-1196 or 689-1410 or jcarter@mhc.edu. Our Voice also has a 24-hour hotline at 828-255-7576.
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